please adopt this hellion
The rescue has requested only Texas-area adopters only please.
Please Adopt Hank the Hellion
While we were parked outside the Red Bull factory, Hank flew into our passenger side and immediately helped himself to our stash of road trip snacks like a teenager raiding the fridge after school. He’s 75 pounds of pure, unadulterated, kinetic energy with eyes like the ocean.
Unfortunately, that ocean also sank the Titanic.
Listen — I’m not going to split hairs.
Trying to get this dog adopted has been like trying to find a Tickle-Me-Elmo during Christmas ’96. His foster mom has several other critters which are tiny. After experiencing his always-on personality, they’re JUST NOT HERE FOR IT. We’re all tired of Hank. Not because we don’t love him, we’re just TIRED. It’s like he drank ALL OF OUR COFFEE.
He needs a loving, active home with someone willing to train him. Maybe you’re into CrossFit. That kind of high energy personality is just the right kind of person that Hank would LOVE to be around.
He has so much energy, Governor Abbott called us to see if he could plug the Texas power grid into him.
I’m not sure what more convincing you need, but keep on scrolling, I guess.
Kind of Trained
He knows basic commands such as "sit," "down," "shake," and "why are you so fucking mental, stop chewing on that and get in your fucking kennel."
Fancy AF
They say eyes are the window to the soul but is it the same when there's no soul? Kidding. Or am I?
Loyal AF
This asshole likes to keep you company, no matter what you're doing.
Cooking? He'll fucking stand in between your legs and trip you up while you're holding knives.
Age, Breed, Location?
Well, we’re guessing he’s a bit over a year old and our speculation as to breed will be as accurate as a dog DNA kit you get in a back alley, but we can certainly tell you he’s not an apatosaurus. I'm told he's a Siberian Black Mouth Cur, but what the hell even is that?
Hank is in Houston TX most days when he's not busy using his fucking energy to power his way into space to fucking destroy the Sith or something.
Awfully cute
When he's not being a destructive asshole, he's actually pretty cute.
If I wasn’t such a lazy shit, my kids would love Hank.
Lance Bethards, TX
It’s like Chris Hemsworth died and came back as a dog.
Dawn Townsend, TX
This dog is a Peleton coach after a triple espresso.
Samantha Mueller, WI
That's it.
If this doesn't convince you to adopt Hank, then at least do me the favor of sharing to your fucking social media. I'm so tired.
Fucking Share This Shit
Or just buy me a coffee to help me keep up with this fucking dog.
Disclaimer: We didn’t think we had to say this but much of this website is highly exaggerated for comical effect. There’s not even a Red Bull factory in Houston. Also, if you’re trying to adopt Hank, that’s a serious deal, so please take it seriously. We’re just trying to get a permanent home for this goofball. Leave the funny to us; we deserve it, since we can’t sleep and all.
Love,
Hank’s very exhausted foster family
